Lost

I have a few friends on Facebook lately who've had the supreme sadness of burying a parent, a sibling or worse (the ultimate horror) a child. I cannot and do not want to try to imagine the sadness that these people struggle against. The seemingly insurmountable daily sadness... I shudder to think about it and don't believe I can finish the sentence about it.

But my writing today isn't about that. My reference in naming this post "Lost" wasn't to the family members who've gone before us into the Great Somewhere, but in the Lost Art of Wordsmith. There is a certain amount of Grace that is required of the condolence writer. Sadly, the advent and perpetuation of cyber communication have left a generation of incapable letter writers.

When I was growing up, we learned all kinds of "social graces". We learned how to eat without making our companions sick, how to carry a conversation, and how to write letters, among other things. To be fair, some of those things I learned reading a book written by a friend of my mom's. Learning those graces wasn't supposed to get us into Harvard or MIT, but they would (in theory) help us make and keep friends, help us be Creatures of Beauty and Grace, and, I think, mostly to teach us to think about others with Thought instead of as Mere Others. I think that makes sense.

My point is this: in a world where we can announce our Loved One's passing on Facebook, and our "friends" can post their condolences as comments on a thread, there is a surprising and sad lack of grace. The comment threads that I see typically say something to the effect of "I'm so sorry for your loss". But I have to tell you that if my brother, uncle, mother, child (God Forbid) had just died, the last thing I would want is 200 comments on my Facebook page saying "sorry for your loss" and the problem is, the reason that people post that is because they don't know what else to say. We live in an world that has allowed it to be okay not to learn how to tell someone you're deeply saddened by the news of someone's passing. We live in a world, it seems to me, in which those social graces I learned growing up are odd and even sometimes mocked!

My heart is sad for my friends. I wrote notes of condolence, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I considered my friends; I thought about their loved ones; I sat down with pen and paper and I wrote from my heart, using the strategies that I'd learned so long ago. Perhaps, as I go through life and teach my children the graces that are ingrained in me, they will not be lost and gone forever.

Otherwise, rest in peace, Social Graces.

My Brain is En Fuego

My "Second Parents" have been in town. They are Lottery Parents. That means that when I became bestest bestest friends with their daughter when I was five-turning-six, I won the lottery. My best friend is their only daughter. I know a good thing when I see it, being the 4th in a string of 5, so I attached to her like glue. Her parents are two of the most fabulous people I've ever had the joy of meeting and loving. They are wonderful people - Mom (yep, I still call her "Mom") and Dad (yep, I still call him "Dad") adopted me into their lives and their family early on. I adore them. They gave me much of the attention that my natural family just couldn't give me. I'm not bitter about the fact that I had to outsource my Attention Grabbing. I am grateful that I have been blessed in life with the opportunity to have a Second Family that could afford me the gift of attention that I craved my whole life.

Oooo! Realization! That Need that I talked about before? The need to be seen? I realize that it's a need because I KNOW that I have been missing it my ENTIRE life because I was so low on the totem pole in my natural family! oooooo! Wow!

Mom & Dad brought the plans for our house renovation. We're totally changing our home - making it bigger. We need more space. MORE SPACE! ESPACHé!!! thirteen pages of Espaché! We have spent two whole days going over and over and over the plans. I'm so happy when the creations that they've made for us! But my brain is falling out of my head and I have a lot to process...

They have given us such a great gift! We're so grateful!

Autumn Is In the Air

It's Coming. I can feel it. September is ending soon and once it does...

The air is getting cooler. The days are getting shorter. I love Autumn. I love just about everything about it - except that it always ends too soon. Autumn makes me happy. Do you want to see a list? 

 I love the minor key that Autumn's music seems to be in.

I love that my kitchen gets warm with pie baking and cozy foods like Turkey, mushroom & wild rice stew and apples.

I love apple season.

I love that my dear friend & her husband come up and we go to the Pumpkin patch with the twins and then Apple Picking.

I love the cooler weather.

I love raking up the leaves (I really do!).

I love watching the leaves change color. My neighbors have this tree that glows throughout November before it finally gives up its leaves to the constant battery of the wind and finally shivers them off, blanketing the ground in bright orange, yellow and red. Fabulous!

I love autumn clothes - I love long sleeves and jeans and SOCKS.

I love to nestle in with my sweet husband in the evenings and play cards or Scrabble and drink tea.

I love that October means Halloween and I love Halloween.

I love November 1st. I think it's the best day of the whole year that isn't a holiday or my birthday.

I love that November is the best month of the whole year. It's my favorite. 

I love that the whole season comes to a head on Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday. 

I love our Autumnal trip to see my big brother and his wife (and now son!) in North Carolina.

I love grey days.

I love the breeze. 

I love that it's cooler with warm breezes - not like Spring that's warming up with cold breezes. 

I love the golden glow in the evenings. 

I love that Autumn seems to loom. It seems like starting in July I know it's coming. The shadows get longer, the days get shorter and you can FEEL it in the air. I love that.

I love that I can wear my snuggly pants in the evening and not get sweaty.

I love the cookies.

I love the colors.

I love the idea of Autumn. 

It's really nice.

On Being Seen

There are a few things about which I am completely convinced. One of those is that we have many physical needs and a few psychological needs. One of those Needs is to be Seen. To be Noticed. To be IMPORTANT to someone, even for Just A Minute.

People are Egocentric. It's just a truth. Even if you declare that you live for someone else - to satisfy someone else's needs and whims - you really ultimately (it seems to me) are living to be Important to that person. It fulfills you to see that person filled and to be acknowledged for filling that person.

While we live, we write, we talk, we share, we post, we color, we sing, we express, we hope, we BE and we hope that someone will NOTICE that. How many times have you posted something on Facebook or on your own blog in the hopes that someone will notice and respond to that posting? How many times have you gotten a response and thrilled at the idea that someone read it, someone liked it, someone noticed? We want to be seen. We want to be heard. We want to be acknowledged. It makes us want to keep doing it! We feel Real.

What happens when no one notices our posts? What happens when no one sends us a one-line email reminding us that We are Important to Them? We worry. We sit in shadows. We fear invisibility. We shout, "SEE ME!"

And then Someone comes along and does. And it's good. It's very very good.