I'm LOSING MY MIND.
Here I am trying so hard to hide the crazy but it's just not working. I'm crawling out of my skin. I'm exhausted and crawling out of my skin.
And why? What's it for?
And what crappy timing... today the wind is changing. The warm gypsy wind is coming. It's starting to call for me and i'm crawling out of my skin.
I'm totally out of my own control. This is a perfect time to make art.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Trying again
I'm not sure if i'm really here or not today. Just here to think and wonder and maybe start something back up. I'm not good at blogging. I never really want anyone to read my words and be mean about them. It's why I hardly belong out here in the bloggosphere.
Anyway. I'm trying again. At a lot of things. The reason I'm here is the biggest. That is... I'm trying to have another baby. I say "I" because B's job is already done. Long ago done. Now it's on me. All on me.
Today I've been angry. Really angry.
I take more than a handful of drugs - some in the form of painful shots - just to prepare my body for the HOPE of getting pregnant. Seriously. There's a chance this whole thing won't even work. I take a medicine first thing in the morning - no, before first thing in the morning - that will screw everything up if i don't wait the proscribed time before consuming something else. That's right. I have to take a pill that helps, but will mess it all up. Then I take another pill, but only with a full breakfast and if I don't have a full breakfast, I get really sick. Then I take other medicines through the day, ending my day with a lovely little shot (I'm a pink pincushion again) that hurts so bad, I have to lie down immediately afterwards. The first few times I did it, I cried and cried. Last night I only had to put my feet up because it was so awful i was dizzy and lightheaded.
That shot? That's the Lupron. It's the one that last time I did this, it made me so crazy I chopped down trees with a hacksaw because it obscured my vision and I thought it would mess up my mailbox. Today, it's making me crazy hot. Like HOT. Like peel off my skin and sit around in my bones HOT.
Anyway, I'm angry. I'm angry that this is who I am. I'm angry that my body doesn't work properly. I have a very different view this time. I'm angry at the people who can do this so easily and don't care how easily it came (and then maybe went). I'm angry that this is a fixture in my bathroom for the foreseeable future.
Mostly I'm just really fucking hot.
Anyway. I'm trying again. At a lot of things. The reason I'm here is the biggest. That is... I'm trying to have another baby. I say "I" because B's job is already done. Long ago done. Now it's on me. All on me.
Today I've been angry. Really angry.
I take more than a handful of drugs - some in the form of painful shots - just to prepare my body for the HOPE of getting pregnant. Seriously. There's a chance this whole thing won't even work. I take a medicine first thing in the morning - no, before first thing in the morning - that will screw everything up if i don't wait the proscribed time before consuming something else. That's right. I have to take a pill that helps, but will mess it all up. Then I take another pill, but only with a full breakfast and if I don't have a full breakfast, I get really sick. Then I take other medicines through the day, ending my day with a lovely little shot (I'm a pink pincushion again) that hurts so bad, I have to lie down immediately afterwards. The first few times I did it, I cried and cried. Last night I only had to put my feet up because it was so awful i was dizzy and lightheaded.
That shot? That's the Lupron. It's the one that last time I did this, it made me so crazy I chopped down trees with a hacksaw because it obscured my vision and I thought it would mess up my mailbox. Today, it's making me crazy hot. Like HOT. Like peel off my skin and sit around in my bones HOT.
Anyway, I'm angry. I'm angry that this is who I am. I'm angry that my body doesn't work properly. I have a very different view this time. I'm angry at the people who can do this so easily and don't care how easily it came (and then maybe went). I'm angry that this is a fixture in my bathroom for the foreseeable future.
Mostly I'm just really fucking hot.
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